Perfect Illusion

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Do you ever feel like you could press reset and start your life all over again? Would you make the same decisions or would you choose something else? Sometimes you can feel completely happy and content with every choice you’ve made and other days you’ll want to curl up into a ball and hide away from the rest of the world. 

Lately, I just feel like a failure, I’ve got to a point in my life where I still have no idea what I want to be. I would love someone to sit me down a with a hot cup of tea and tell me what my perfect job would be, and tell me exactly what I have to do to get there. I know that there are people who are paid to do exactly that but am I too late? I’m now in a house, with my boyfriend talking about whether is a good idea to get engaged. He doesn’t really see the point, he said the only things that would change are my surname, and we would own a small piece of paper that says were married.

 For me, Ben is the only thing I seem to be 100% sure of, we have been together for such a long time and I can’t see myself with anyone else. I just don’t want to mess it up. I selfishly think I only want to because it’s something else to focus on instead of criticising every inch of my life and trying to find fault. I want to be excited about something that’s happening to me and not everyone else. I want to feel happy and proud of myself. 

Everyone around me seems to know exactly what they want and are having the time of their lives. Even my boyfriend has his dream job and I feel like I’m just cheerleading from the sidelines. I’m not homesick or feeling sorry for myself, I just feel frustrated at myself for letting my issues mess everything up. Why can’t I know exactly what I want and not be afraid of being rejected? 

I’m hoping that me feeling this way is going to disappear soon but I just get the feeling I need to change something, just so I can dust myself off and get excited about my life again. If anyone has any ideas please let me know.

 

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