Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)

Since about the age of as early as thirteen I have obsessed with how I look. I never thought I was one of the pretty girls in school, I was never known for being skinny or having amazing hair. So for most of my school years I just spent looking at all of these beautiful girls and thinking why don’t I look like them.

I used to say to myself one day when I’m older, I’ll grow in to my features and be pretty. When I was fourteen I got braces so this just added to my problem. So I started getting obsessed with what I was eating and would try to avoid food when I could. I had convinced myself that if I couldn’t be pretty then I could be skinny which would make me prettier. Obviously this didn’t really work, not that I could see anyway.

So then I decided I’m going to have beautiful long hair. I know I wasn’t going to have long hair after a day and I had never got it passed my shoulders until I was eighteen anyway. So I went to Feathers hairdressing in town after school and brought a load of hair extensions and wore them to school everyday. At first they looked okay, they gave me a bit of confidence but I still obsessed with my weight. I kept comparing myself to my best friend Hannah, she is beautiful and when we were younger she was a size 4. I was always the fat friend out of us two so I had borrowed a pair of her old jeans and everyday I would try them on. Finally I had got them done up. I was so happy I was finally a size 6! However I couldn’t see my weight loss in the mirror but the jeans did fit. Sadly back then I didn’t understand that everyone comes in different shapes and sizes.

Now at twenty three I sadly still obsess about my appearance. I’m aware that I have a problem with how I see myself. I’m also not afraid any more about hiding my disorder with the people I love. I’m a size eight to ten. I had grew my hair to nearly my waist and in the end I still chopped it off. I had my braces removed at eighteen and I’m still concious of my over bite.  I also go to the gym three to four times a week, because I’m petrified about putting on weight.

The reason I’m opening up about this is because I don’t think I’m the only person who obsesses over how they look. I’m not doing it for attention, because all my family know how obsessive I can get.When I take an hour to get ready it’s not because I’m vain it’s because I’m so anxious about leaving the house and what people might think.

I just wanted to show awareness and let others who also suffer with this disorder know that your not alone or crazy.  I still after all these years compare myself to others. Some days are a lot worse than others but that’s like any kind of disorder. Everyone has good and bad days.



2 thoughts on “Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)

  1. We went to school together, and you were always one of the beauties even if you didn’t realise it! I hope these past years have given you more confidence 🙂


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